as today ends...

I love this time of the day. When the evening is just beginning to set in, bringing cool respite from the afternoon heat; the sun slowly gives up its harsh, piercing existence to adopt a softer soothing feel. Lights gradually start twinkling in the distance preceding the stars by a few hours. And the sky turns various hues of red: each a poet's inspiration, an artist's challenge & a lover's desire....eventually fading into soft blues and finally the impenetrable black of the night.

I love watching the birds flying back to their abode after a day's hard work; its comforting somehow to see silhouettes against the backdrop of the fading sun...

Its time for the tired daily wage laborer to collect his wages and head home. He isn't sure if he will find work tomorrow. His life is not going to get easier, his future is practically non existent. He passes by the world of oppulence in which he has no share; for which he doesn't exist. But he isn't thinking about all that right now. He will place his faith in God and pray that he finds work tomorrow as he sets out of his shack in the morning. For now, he is just looking forward to his hard earned meal of the day and a night of sound, honest sleep.

It time for the working mother to take the train back home. She has a few more hours of hard work, there's dinner to be cooked, laundry to be done, groceries to be bought on the way, no one will offer any help or support, as she marches on from one expectation to be fulfilled after another. No her day is not over yet...but she isn't thinking of any of that now. She is just looking forward to seeing her children again.

I have always been fond of this particular time of the day.

When I was a student, often I used to study during the afternoon after school/college. But I could hardly ever concentrate. For I was always waiting eagerly for my mother to come home. It didn't matter that I was all grown up and she wasn't going to bring me something. It didn't matter if I was too grown up and wouldn't be going out to play once she got home. It didn't even matter if we had nothing to talk about and if I was going to continue doing what I was doing before she came; nothing mattered. She was going to be home soon and that always made me happy.

Try as I may I can't understand if it was her reassuring smile or the cup of "chai" we would have as went over each other's day, but second to the head massage sessions, this was my favorite time with her. And while the head massage sessions are till date mostly about catching up on family gossip, the daily evening tea sessions were more about discussions, and counselling. When my sister was grown up enough the chai sessions became a 3 member company, and just by virtue of her nature, much more filled with jokes & laughter....the seriousness of those sessions decreased significantly, the significance only increased.

Sometimes, after our tea session, I used to take my still unfinished cup and sit on the terrace and watch kids play in the park outside. Scrambling to finish their last game before night fell and their mothers called them back home.

It was my time to think about things beyond the next problem to deal with. Dreams. Ambitions. Idealogies. Philoshopy. Assimilate the 'just over' discussions with mom. Think about Life. And its endless mysteries...Sometimes I just stared into oblivion and let time slip by.

Nothing much has changed there, when ever I am home, its still the same routine. When I am not, its this I miss the most. This that cannot be replaced.

Yes, I love this time of the day. Because it inspires me as a poet, challenges me as an artist and fills the hopeful romantic in me with new dreams& desires. Because it reminds me of my blessings in life and how kind & forgiving life has been to me;. Because it reminds me of the most important and one of the strongest, smartest, most selfless and best human beings I have known till date...and how lucky I am that she is my mother. Because it reminds me of all the love & laughter I have in my life thanks to family & friends.

But mostly because it reminds me that there is joy in life; and hope; and dreams...and they don't lie beyond the day to day rut of it...you don't have to go anywhere to find them. They are right here. The smile of your child, the comfort of your mother, the food on the table, the love of your loved ones....And as the struggles of 1 day end, its time to unwind, relax & enjoy them...and let the heart be filled with new hope, new excitement, new eagerness for the next day.

For what could prepare you better for tomorrow, than today.

"When some one asks 'how are you?' dont start off with your life's problems. it s a conversation starter and people are not really bothered about your problems"... said something i once read on how to be popular or something to that effect. Well yes, a stranger or a casual acquaintance starts a conversation, we all put up a happy face and make small talk. whether its your neighbor's divorce or the global financial crisis..its all just about making conversation. most of the times at least. and this does make most of us, good conversationalists. help us develop good people skills.

and then we try to improve those skills. so we smile harder. and make more small talk about more important issues. and then, somewhere along the line we get into the habit. of smiling. and making small talk.

if something bothers us, retreat into a corner, take a few deep breaths, men smoke, women dab-on more make up [ and smoke ] and smile. we go out and act according to our habits. we smile.

"its not apt to discuss my family problems at work" , "she will just judge me if i tell her this", "its none of his business..he doesnt really care", "she wont understand..she'll just over react n get hurt".."i cant tell this to anyone" and many more such sentences run through our heads and we train ourselves to hide our tears, our pain, our problems and keep moving on with life. with a brave face and a sparkling, charming smile. good people skills. and thats how the world sees us. happy, successful, rising, intelligent young executives or models or name who you will.

soon, our colleagues, friends and family start falling into the same set. outside the circle of our feelings. and we start getting lonelier and lonelier. avoiding calling our friends when we're upset, a contrast from the school days wen we wud run to them at every possible occassion...an even bigger contrast from wen running to mom for crying made everything all right. in this exponential growth curve, we stop giving ourselves time to deal with our emotions. and the worst affected of these, is pain. we just refuse to deal with it. its just a waste of time when there's so much to be done.

why is it easier to blog our innermost thoughts on the net than sharing our problems with our closest friends. are we scared of being judged? perhaps. scared of losing / hurting our friends? possibly. why has anonymity become more comforting than the arms of a loved one?

most of all i think its our obsession with meeting everyone's expectations. everyone wants us to be happy, expects us to be happy, and we oblige. its just so much easier than breaking everyone's perceptions and asking them, as well as ourselves, to face reality. the moment something happens everyone asks u to look at the bright side and move on. why can't we just stop for sometime and grieve. because its easier to pretend that pain doesn't exist.

a drag is easier than having to deal with tears. and pain. besides, it helps you network doesnt it?! helps you climb the next rung. and as we busy ourselves climbing the ladder, something inside us keeps worsening. bottled up pain that never got the treatment it needed. a good heart's crying. a night getting sloshed up with friends. a grieving period. the running to mom/dad to cry in her/his arms. the feeling "safe". protected. loved.

and then, one day some one famous and successful kills themselves. we read the morning paper and wonder why.."she had evthg going for her....wonder what could have been so terribly wrong"...and with that one statement we get back to running for our lives. we don't stop for a moment and listen to that voice in our heads that tells us "stay. dont move. you are hurt too. give me some time and I will make it allright". we are too worried we might miss the next opportunity to climb the ladder.

the ladder to loneliness and false perceptions. perceptions of ever cheerful successful smiling faces. perceptions of happiness. the ladder to emptiness.

purpose of life

there r 3 kinds of ppl that i've come across so far.

those who ask "why am i here", go through various stages of confusion and eventually realize at the end of it that there is no answer to this question. so next they ask themselves "ok then what is it that i would prefer as the purpose to be? what is it that i think will give meaning to my life and help me feel that i didn't waste this life when i die" and choose the path they want to follow.

those who ask "why am i here" , eventually realise that there is no answer and decide to let go of the matter.

and then there are those to whom the question never occurs.

from whatever little i have read, there are 2 generic theories that i know of so far. One says u r borne with a pre destined purpose n ur experiences in life all go towards preparing u for ur final calling in this life, which is again preparation for ur soul to move to the next plane for ur next life, and ultimately to nirvana.

the other says the future is cause n effect. we define our own purpose, we shape our lives. and its our subconscious learnings that do so.

these 2 theories converge somewhat wen both say its upto each individual soul how much a she wants to experience and explore. They equate subconscious with soul and say that its far more powerful. They also agree that while all human beings are equal in their true potential, they only differ in the realization of that potential. And that most people get caught in daily illusions of life n lose sight of the bigger picture.

i personally dont have strong opinions on re incarnation. and with destiny and our control, I stand somewhere in between. i feel there r always 3 elements in the circle of life... circumstances [Destiny / previous actions ] -> actions-> results [circumstances for next action ]

out of these, only actions are in our hands. and since we don't remember any other life, past or future, we only know what we are and what things r in this one life.

I also believe that everything happens for a reason whether u call it God, destiny, or something else. And if we look carefully almost certainly we will find that reason most of the times. At least in the hindsight. Every person we cm across, has a role to play, a purpose to serve in our lives.

so everything has a reason. & every person has a purpose to serve in our lives. then how can we be born without a reason or purpose. we're not. we have a purpose. each one of us. i also feel that because we never know the big picture, we never know why we re here we end up misinterpreting God's intentions.

so there is an answer to "why we're here" ... just that we wont know until the answer chooses to reveal itself. even if it means something as seemingly normal as sacrificing our careers to raise our children who will become bigger than we are, someday.

and that's what most people do. consciously or not, they decide upon their purpose of life, like raising children or keeping their parents happy and stay with it. and that's fine too. if they have any other purpose than that they get called to it wen the time comes.

so whether we are born with a pre-destined purpose which calls us someday, or we shape it through our actions everyday...that doesn't matter. what matters is whether when the time comes can we rise to the occasion and answer the call of duty. and that till then, we live each moment to the fullest. making the difference we want to make..doing things that make us happy and don't harm others, ... so that if we were to die the next instant, we wouldn't regret having wasted the moment just gone.

Faith

"What is God?" ... the eternal question, a subject that has been fervently asked, debated & contested since time immemorial. A subject on which countless books & theories exist, each with its own set of followers, from scholars to commoners, scientists to religious fanatics. A subject which has plagued each and every one of us at least once in our lives, for reasons good or bad. A subject that has ironically taken as many lives as the number of ways in which it has preached non violence & universal love.Yet it is surprising how different the definition of each group is from the other, how distinct all the theories are; and how steadfastly each group holds its own theories with completely unbending minds; how it consequently fails to convince any of the other ideology..for everyone is equally rigid & closed to anything that isn't already in line with their own thoughts. So how are these so called scholars really different from religious fundamentalists credited with most of the global terrorism? But that's another question for another day.

Right now, the thought foremost in my mind is , "what is God?". While today isn't the first time this question has risen in my mind, it certainly is the first day I spent meeting people of so many varying, or rather conflicting, beliefs in 1 day. These people are not scholars or fundamentalists. These are just ordinary people like you and me who get up every morning to juggle everyday activities & responsibilities of work, family and friends. Housewives & office goers, students and teachers alike. Each has his own battles to fight, his own pain to bear. And each does this in his own way.

On my way to home, I see some housewives engrossed in prayers in a temple. I wait for them to finish, for I want to be an audience to the talk that I know will follow. Their talk to my science-trained modern ears sounds like a lot of superstition. A lot of nonsensical beliefs. God doesn't demand protocol. Religion does. God doesn't mind how you pray and when you pray, as long as when you pray, you do so whole-heartedly. It doesn't matter what the idols look like, or even if they are there, you can just look at the sky or close your eyes and look inwards and pray. But these are my beliefs. For them, these apparent superstitions are a way of life. A means of strength. Just as the self-belief of one of my friends. He refuses to believe in the existence of God. For if there were a God, so many bad things such as the World Wars would not have happened. For him, we all are responsible for our own actions and their consequences. We make our own destiny and as long as we believe in ourselves, we shall never fail.

These are not different religious ideologies. These are two entirely different trains of thought, two extremes of the spectrum. Most people, including me, lie somewhere in between. We believe in God, pray when we can as we can, ask for strength and move on to fight our battles. believing that God helps those who help themselves.

So no matter what we think God is, no matter what religion or ideology we believe in and no matter what rituals we practice, if any, no one knows what God is. No one has ever seen Him and no one knows if God is a paranormal concept or an intuitive instinct within our hearts....but we all need an additional source of strength. A feeling that makes us feel that we are not alone and that some one is watching over. at times to blame for our own mistakes and shortcomings and at others to thank. at times to help compromise with situations and at others to fight. God is just another name for Faith. What you believe in is all that matters. Our beliefs, our faith is what keeps us going. May be that's why people say "Have Faith".