as today ends...

I love this time of the day. When the evening is just beginning to set in, bringing cool respite from the afternoon heat; the sun slowly gives up its harsh, piercing existence to adopt a softer soothing feel. Lights gradually start twinkling in the distance preceding the stars by a few hours. And the sky turns various hues of red: each a poet's inspiration, an artist's challenge & a lover's desire....eventually fading into soft blues and finally the impenetrable black of the night.

I love watching the birds flying back to their abode after a day's hard work; its comforting somehow to see silhouettes against the backdrop of the fading sun...

Its time for the tired daily wage laborer to collect his wages and head home. He isn't sure if he will find work tomorrow. His life is not going to get easier, his future is practically non existent. He passes by the world of oppulence in which he has no share; for which he doesn't exist. But he isn't thinking about all that right now. He will place his faith in God and pray that he finds work tomorrow as he sets out of his shack in the morning. For now, he is just looking forward to his hard earned meal of the day and a night of sound, honest sleep.

It time for the working mother to take the train back home. She has a few more hours of hard work, there's dinner to be cooked, laundry to be done, groceries to be bought on the way, no one will offer any help or support, as she marches on from one expectation to be fulfilled after another. No her day is not over yet...but she isn't thinking of any of that now. She is just looking forward to seeing her children again.

I have always been fond of this particular time of the day.

When I was a student, often I used to study during the afternoon after school/college. But I could hardly ever concentrate. For I was always waiting eagerly for my mother to come home. It didn't matter that I was all grown up and she wasn't going to bring me something. It didn't matter if I was too grown up and wouldn't be going out to play once she got home. It didn't even matter if we had nothing to talk about and if I was going to continue doing what I was doing before she came; nothing mattered. She was going to be home soon and that always made me happy.

Try as I may I can't understand if it was her reassuring smile or the cup of "chai" we would have as went over each other's day, but second to the head massage sessions, this was my favorite time with her. And while the head massage sessions are till date mostly about catching up on family gossip, the daily evening tea sessions were more about discussions, and counselling. When my sister was grown up enough the chai sessions became a 3 member company, and just by virtue of her nature, much more filled with jokes & laughter....the seriousness of those sessions decreased significantly, the significance only increased.

Sometimes, after our tea session, I used to take my still unfinished cup and sit on the terrace and watch kids play in the park outside. Scrambling to finish their last game before night fell and their mothers called them back home.

It was my time to think about things beyond the next problem to deal with. Dreams. Ambitions. Idealogies. Philoshopy. Assimilate the 'just over' discussions with mom. Think about Life. And its endless mysteries...Sometimes I just stared into oblivion and let time slip by.

Nothing much has changed there, when ever I am home, its still the same routine. When I am not, its this I miss the most. This that cannot be replaced.

Yes, I love this time of the day. Because it inspires me as a poet, challenges me as an artist and fills the hopeful romantic in me with new dreams& desires. Because it reminds me of my blessings in life and how kind & forgiving life has been to me;. Because it reminds me of the most important and one of the strongest, smartest, most selfless and best human beings I have known till date...and how lucky I am that she is my mother. Because it reminds me of all the love & laughter I have in my life thanks to family & friends.

But mostly because it reminds me that there is joy in life; and hope; and dreams...and they don't lie beyond the day to day rut of it...you don't have to go anywhere to find them. They are right here. The smile of your child, the comfort of your mother, the food on the table, the love of your loved ones....And as the struggles of 1 day end, its time to unwind, relax & enjoy them...and let the heart be filled with new hope, new excitement, new eagerness for the next day.

For what could prepare you better for tomorrow, than today.

I remember the first time I left for Singapore. I am not the crying sort, and I wasn't particularly sad either. But as the plane took off, for the first time perhaps I felt a pang of pain. I was leaving my home, my country, my family n friends for God knows how long. I had no idea when I would return or what my life in Singapore would be like.

Come december 08, and I was already on my back home, in the very first vacations. 20 fabulous days @ home flew away; and it was time to come back to studies. Only this time, I didn't feel strange. I was leaving one known country for another. Sure my family wouldn't be there but at least I had friends I was looking forward to meeting. Singapore felt equally home.

Things have taken a strange turn since then. So strange, that its almost funny. Now, when I am India, the life in Singapore: the friends, outings, the safety, the cleanliness, school, classes, everything seems like a fantasy,

and when I am in Singapore, its the other way round.

For some reason, nothing feels real. Nothing at all. And its probably not even for the country I am not in. Perhaps its also for the country I am in. At any point in time, it seems that I can almost detach myself from the world around me.....and almost see it passing by.

Talk about having an out-of-body experience! .. seems like I am constantly in one!!

And after a very long time perhaps, I am short of the right words to express this state of my mind....

...I think I need to belong.

i remember receiving my first letter from my then best friend. i must have been about 10, . we went to the same school and saw each other every day. and we obviously lived a walking distance away. but i still talked her into writing letters. having no phones and no medium to communicate, especially during holidays, made my task easier. so during the summer vacations, when she was visiting her grandparents in 'then' Madras, I wrote to her. the first letter of my life. i don't remember the contents but i am fairly certain there was nothing in it that was any different from our everyday chatter, the usual everyday chatter of any two 10 year old "best" friends. yet, writing a letter to her had its own exotic charm. an elated sense of privacy. it was like the first step to freedom, the first step to growing up. and though i don't remember the contents of her reply either, i still remember waiting anxiously every day for her reply; and feeling like on top of the world when i had finally received it.

for years after that we used to send cards on birthdays and other occasions to various friends and cousins...saving for months before a festival from school pocket money, going to the shop and spending hours picking out the right cards, wishing they weren't so expensive...there was such a sense of accomplishment after every festival, i still remember the happy feeling that lingered for weeks after that. with time that tradition too faded away

as the years passed the need to express freedom through letters disappeared. i got my own phone, email id, it was so much easier to just call, so much faster to email. it was excitement and convenience. but every once in a while, while cleaning the closet i would come across these old cards; they now looked silly and childish and yet so simple n happy. they always made me smile. and happy, wistfully happy.

it was almost 11 years after i wrote my first letter ever, when i finally ran into a person who was equally mad and who thought that in this age and time of instant communication, writing letters was still the best form of long distance communication. and after 11 years, once again i made a trip to the post office, bought a few inland envelopes and wrote my first letter. and i realized what i had been missing all these years in phone and email.

holding a pen over a blank piece of paper waiting to pour down thoughts and emotions, waiting for days to receive the reply, opening the mailbox to find envelope with a hand written address on it amidst all printed bills, a piece of paper with someone's handwritten emotions on it, irrespective of the contents...letters are a ritual..an elongated process that requires time, effort and patience and in return gives a feeling of belonging

a letter may not be unique in its sense of privacy..but it is, in its sense of intimacy.

its like running into an old friend by accident after years, having no idea that person would be there despite having him on ur facebook, orkut, linkedin , e-mail contact list and phonebook....

purpose of life

there r 3 kinds of ppl that i've come across so far.

those who ask "why am i here", go through various stages of confusion and eventually realize at the end of it that there is no answer to this question. so next they ask themselves "ok then what is it that i would prefer as the purpose to be? what is it that i think will give meaning to my life and help me feel that i didn't waste this life when i die" and choose the path they want to follow.

those who ask "why am i here" , eventually realise that there is no answer and decide to let go of the matter.

and then there are those to whom the question never occurs.

from whatever little i have read, there are 2 generic theories that i know of so far. One says u r borne with a pre destined purpose n ur experiences in life all go towards preparing u for ur final calling in this life, which is again preparation for ur soul to move to the next plane for ur next life, and ultimately to nirvana.

the other says the future is cause n effect. we define our own purpose, we shape our lives. and its our subconscious learnings that do so.

these 2 theories converge somewhat wen both say its upto each individual soul how much a she wants to experience and explore. They equate subconscious with soul and say that its far more powerful. They also agree that while all human beings are equal in their true potential, they only differ in the realization of that potential. And that most people get caught in daily illusions of life n lose sight of the bigger picture.

i personally dont have strong opinions on re incarnation. and with destiny and our control, I stand somewhere in between. i feel there r always 3 elements in the circle of life... circumstances [Destiny / previous actions ] -> actions-> results [circumstances for next action ]

out of these, only actions are in our hands. and since we don't remember any other life, past or future, we only know what we are and what things r in this one life.

I also believe that everything happens for a reason whether u call it God, destiny, or something else. And if we look carefully almost certainly we will find that reason most of the times. At least in the hindsight. Every person we cm across, has a role to play, a purpose to serve in our lives.

so everything has a reason. & every person has a purpose to serve in our lives. then how can we be born without a reason or purpose. we're not. we have a purpose. each one of us. i also feel that because we never know the big picture, we never know why we re here we end up misinterpreting God's intentions.

so there is an answer to "why we're here" ... just that we wont know until the answer chooses to reveal itself. even if it means something as seemingly normal as sacrificing our careers to raise our children who will become bigger than we are, someday.

and that's what most people do. consciously or not, they decide upon their purpose of life, like raising children or keeping their parents happy and stay with it. and that's fine too. if they have any other purpose than that they get called to it wen the time comes.

so whether we are born with a pre-destined purpose which calls us someday, or we shape it through our actions everyday...that doesn't matter. what matters is whether when the time comes can we rise to the occasion and answer the call of duty. and that till then, we live each moment to the fullest. making the difference we want to make..doing things that make us happy and don't harm others, ... so that if we were to die the next instant, we wouldn't regret having wasted the moment just gone.