customer care the octopus

Every once in a while life gives us a jolt just to show us how much we take for granted every single day. A few months ago, my life suddenly turned into a never ending live example of Murphy's law. My 3 month old laptop crashed, my brand new blackberry didn't work, my bank account got frozen for no apparent reason, I almost lost the roof over my head, my home internet stopped working for no reason (yes i had paid the bills!) , my home electricity account got disabled (yes I paid the bills for that too!!) .....nothing seemed to be going right.

And when prayers didn't seem to work, I did the only other thing imaginable;

I called up the customer care for each service.

Now Customer Care is a funny animal. Everytime I think of it, the picture of an octopus pops into my head. A big head called the Global HQ with arms spreading all over the world, encircling our dear planet from one end to another. You can imagine if you only had 1 head to manage arms that spread across the earth, it would get a little difficult to give the correct directions wouldn't it? Now imagine the customer care of every company as a separate octopus and you have a complex web of octopus heads and arms all entangled with each other, all of them trying to ...yes... answer your call.

Regardless of the hair splitting frustration I went through at the time, just as with everything else in life, hindsight is your best stand up comic. So here are the top 3 customer care experiences I had... in increasing order of frustration..err..I mean hilarity


#3 Call SBI Customer Care Singapore::

IVR : "If you know the extension of the person you wish to talk to then please dial the extension else press 9 for operator"
press 9
IVR : "If you know the extension of the person you wish to talk to then please dial the extension else press 9 for operator"
[HUH?? I Just Did That] Press 9
IVR: "Thank you for calling us. Have a nice day"
[CLICK]

Sorry what???? I tried this 3 times, and then gave up and sacrificed my precious Saturday afternoon sleep to drag myself halfway through Singapore to get what I needed to get done.



#2 Call Starhub Customer Care Singapore::

"Hi, our internet connection has stopped working. It was working fine till yesterday evening, can you please tell us what could be wrong?"
"Sure Ma'm, can I have your customer number?"
"Umm.. sorry I don't have that at hand, I can give you the name of the account holder, can you search by that?"
"No Ma'm I need your customer number"
"I will have to find a bill for that, can't you find out through the name or my house address? Surely the address will be unique wouldn't it?"
"No Ma'm I need your customer number"
"Okay fine, let me find a bill, please stay on the line"
5 minutes later..
"I have the bill in my hand. But it doesn't have anything like a customer number. It has an account number, will that work?"
"No Ma'm I need your customer number"
[Is that an automated response??]
"But the account number should also be unique shouldn't it?"
"No Ma'm I need your customer number"
[WTF!!]
"Look I am telling you I can give you my address, account number, last bill date, a/c holders' name...but there is nothing like a customer number here..."
"No Ma'm I need your customer number. Without that I can't help you"
[ARRRGGGHHH!!!]
I hung up, unplugged all wires and reset the internet connection a few times. Eventually it picked itself up again.

Next month, I received a bill that read as follows:

"Dear Customer, please note that your current account number will be referred to as your customer number from now onwards."

.......

I am thinking of sending that bill to their customer care center, just FYI.



#1 Call Dell Singapore::

Navigate through a labryinth of pages to find the correct toll-free number, a number that worked on weekends - because obviously I needed my laptop fixed urgently

24X7 toll-free no.1 : "Our working hours are Monday - Friday 9 AM to 5 PM. Please call again later"

24X7 toll-free no.2 : "This number is not toll-free and will be charged usual ISD rates. If you wish to disconnect, please hang up now"
[I did not hang up....]
[They did!]

Try again: "This number is not toll-free and will be charged usual ISD rates. If you wish to disconnect, please hang up now"
[I did not hang up....]
[They did!]

24X7 toll-free no.3 : "Hi, May I help you"
"Yes, I bought a laptop 3 months ago and last night I was checking my email when it suddenly crashed. And it isn't booting up now. The service tag no is xxxxx . Its under a 1 year warranty"
"Please hold on ma'm" ...

[2 minutes later]
"Ma'm where did you buy this laptop"
"Singapore"
"Ma'm you've reached the call center in the United States. Let me give you a number for Singapore"

[What?! I have been paying call charges for ISD ... but this call didn't say it was not toll free!!]

"Yes please, give me the number"
"xxxxxxxx"

New toll-free number: "Our working hours are Monday - Friday 9 AM to 5 PM. Please call again later"
......

A few more calls later I finally managed to find a shop that gave me the right number to call. A couple of months and many more phone calls and emails later, some one finally came and changed by hard disk. so much for my "urgency"! Of course since then I received their emails asking me to fill customer surveys, feedbacks and buy more stuff from them - everyDAY!! - until I did fill out a survey. The emails stopped coming, I think they read the survey! ;)

The winner of all the octopuses is an entirely separate story altogether ... coming up in "customer care the octopus - part 2"

And thus spoke the heart...

Is it pure evil
Or is it simply being a devil

Trying to ruin my peace,
Giving me sleepless nights
Over what really is nothing.

Or is it simply confused,
No longer able to think straight.

Or is it, as some say it is,
In need of a good getaway...

And yet how do i getaway, and where to,
When there really is no escape

For it all is indeed, in the mind...

Questions that never stop coming
Questions that have no answer after all;

Questions that plague me
At the slightest provocation….

How do I know what my duty really is
And how do I know when it calls

How do I make the choices
I am not wise enough to make...

And is there really a choice
If this is right, and that is easy
But the right bears only pain
And the easy isn’t easy at all…

And what really is right anyway
If no matter how I choose,
Some one seems wronged always...

Why must this always be a zero sum game
Is this how you meant it to be?

Do your karma and leave the rest to me, You say

But then what is my karma,
For even if I choose not to choose
It is a still a choice made

The consequences of which I cannot predict
and yet must bear with nothing but doubt

Of what would it have been like, had I chosen differently…

A devil that riles me up
At the slightest provocation

Only to wear me down
Into defeated numbness again…

…The mind is restless, Krishna.

Of feet, shoes and medals

It was very early on in my life that i figured running was not my thing. I just couldn't do it, it was just too much effort. and so I retreated back to the audience and from there very quickly to the stage; compering was my thing. I loved doing it, and it was no effort at all. I must have been pretty good at it too says the track record, but that really is besides the point.

The point is I never ran. I never could. It was many years later, when I stumbled upon the reason. I have a flat foot. Completely flat. Not sure why it never prevented me from breaking a leg, umm metaphorically, on the dance floor, but it sure as hell was why I could never run. But then by the time I made this discovery I had graduated into the advanced stages of couch potato syndrome and couldn't care less.

Then came the typically romanticized ridiculous working hours of the Indian IT industry and any hope of me ever getting any physical activity other than walking between the fridge and my desk was lost forever. But I never got fat so there was hardly a reason convincing enough to make me walk, literally, the extra mile.

More craziness followed with MBA. No sleep, and endless internet.

And then something changed. I ran. And it felt like it had never felt before. Thanks to the one who introduced me to the possibility of customized shoes, the blessed soul whom I have now conveniently forgotten, I ran in my new shoes, custom made for my one flat-one normal feet. That was a year ago.

Today, 5 Dec 2010, at least a 100 hours of running time, many early mornings, many evening-dinner sacrifices and many sprained muscles later, I finally hit a milestone in my life I had almost given up on....

I got myself a medal for a sports-activity.

It was a hell lot of effort, I could have easily spent those hours surfing the net and walking in between to eat junk from the fridge, I probably would have had more fun going out with friends all those evenings, but running the last 500 m to the finish line after an exhausting 21.05 KM in scorching sun...it made all of that effort and all those sacrifices worth it.

No.23: Get a Medal for a sports activity: DONE :)

The art and science of Writing

I write only as a hobby. I have never taken any formal training in it and don't pretend to be any expert authority when it comes to writing skills. But after years of writing, even if only as an intermittent hobby, I had a slightly higher opinion of my work until recently; when I did some research on the subject and was quite appalled to find the number of mistakes in my own write-ups.

Well, life's all about continuous learning, so here are some key findings based on my research. Most of these things seem common sense and yet, as I realised, are very easy to forget while writing. I hope the tips below help you. Feel free to add or correct; since this research is by no means all-encompassing.

Good Writing
The underlying purpose of any piece of writing is to get a point across. Good writing does so without putting the readers to sleep.

Good writing is often confused with correct writing: correct grammar, spelling and punctuation. Infact,at the heart of good writing lie ideas that are interesting and relevant; and the journey of writing a good article begins with identifying those ideas. So before picking up the metaphorical pen, ask yourself: What do I want to write about (i.e. what is my idea)? Why do I want to write about it – am I stating facts, providing analysis or trying to spark a debate?

Answering the above two questions often helps answer the third and perhaps most important one: who am I writing for? It is this last question that primarily dictates the writing style. An effective article is always personal and relevant to the target reader(s).

Following are a few points that came up repeatedly during my research on the subject. Keeping them in mind while writing will go a long way in producing an impactful write-up.

1. Good writing has a clearly defined purpose. It makes a clear point and then supports it with specific information.
2. The information is logically connected and flows coherently.
3. The choice of words and voice (formal vs. casual) is customised to the target reader.
4. The sentences are concise and precise. They say exactly what they mean and nothing else.
5. For fact-based articles, move from the general to the specifics fairly quickly and reference the sources.
6. For opinion based articles, pre-empt objections by building your case with supporting theories and facts.
7. Correct grammar, punctuation and spelling are an absolute must irrespective of how formal or casual the article is.
8. Writing takes time. Good writing takes even more time.
   
9. Good writing also needs thorough research, even if its just a blog post. Most successful novelists spend years researching for their next piece of fiction.
   
10. Finally, as my Professor used to say often, keep it short! If it isn’t directly relevant to the core idea, it doesn’t belong in the article.

Tips for Formal Writing

1. Avoid jargon – especially in executive summaries and smaller write ups
2. Proper formatting prevents jarring effect in the reading experience, and conveys professionalism to a great extent. Therefore,
   
   • Use consistent fonts, justified text, page numbers and margins etc.
   • Use headings, sub-headings and bullet points to give it a better structure
   • Use charts for trends and visual-aid diagrams for complex concepts
   • Use standard templates and company logos where applicable
     
   
   

Writing an Executive Summary

1. Create a summary for any report exceeding four pages. Write the summary after you write the main report, and keep it up to 1/10 the length of the main report.
2. Organize the main points in the summary in the same order they appear in the main report
3. Write simple sentences. Add supporting explanations and technical jargon only when necessary
4. Get the summary reviewed by a non-technical person, see if they understand it and find it interesting

Editing
For any write-up, editing is the most important part.

1. Revise the write-up at least twice. The first draft is always a work in progress.
2. Take a break between two revisions. The length of the break should be enough to take your mind completely off the article.
3. Print it and proof read it. Mistakes often glare back at you from paper
4. Have someone else read it out loud. Many mistakes are picked up only when they just don’t sound right.

Resources
Below are some resources I found during my research. They provide examples, important tips and common mistakes made in written English. I hope you find them useful, please feel free to add to the list.

Grammar tips and common errors

1. Guide to Grammar and Writing
   
2. Common Grammar Traps
   
3. Grammar Lessons
4. Common Grammar Errors
5. English Grammar Mistakes
   

Writing a business case

1. Writing an effective business case
   
2. Writing a business case
   
3. How to Write a Business Case
   

Writing an executive summary

1. Crafting a powerful Executive Summary
   
2. http://unilearning.uow.edu.au/report/4bi1.html
3. http://www.astia.org/resources/How_to_write_an_execsummary.pdf
   

On a closing note, writing is a combination of art and science that rarely comes naturally to anyone and no one ever reaches perfection. But like most other skills, it can be acquired and improved through continuous practice. So keep writing!

I won the ovarian lottery. I was born with no physical handicaps to a family of loving parents a little less than 30 years ago... and while I can picture my friends shaking their heads furiously at this, I dont have any mental illnesses either; well not by identifiable diagnosis i.e. ;)

I grew up in the capital city, the political hotbed and the centre of development , of the largest democracy in the world; in an age that saw unprecendented economic growth of the country and a burgeoning middle class: the target customer for some of the world's biggest companies.

My parents doted on me, and made every attempt to fulfil every whim and fantasy I had as a child. They put up with my childhood tantrums, teenage rebellion and even the detached ambition and extra demands I imposed them in the recent years. With every decade of my life, they just rose higher in their role as parents and put me before themselves.

Yes, I won the ovarian lottery. My past life karma must have been pretty good!

And chances are, so did you. Sitting in front of your laptop, reading blogs in your leisure time in a comfortable room with worries ranging from next pay raise to next girlfriend..chances are your story is pretty similar to mine.

And yet, as you & I sip our $3.50 Latte scanning the internet for our next purchase.... millions of children are starving in other parts of the world; their mothers forced into prostitution just to put half a meal in front of them once a day. Children for whom that $3.5 probably means 4 days worth of food. Children for whom knowing the alphabet is a luxury reserved for the rich.

They are children who didn't win this lottery. Children who are loved just as much by their parents as you & I are; but whose parents can barely give them anything else beyond that love. Children who grow up living with the harsh reality that love doesnt buy food. And that this world has no heart or place for the poor. Children who grow up either bitter or resigned to their fate, if they grow up at all, i.e.

And why just starving children, the world today is rife with problems, each bigger than the first, each more insurmountable. Corruption, terrorism, climate change, ethnic violence...in no particular order, each one of these problems makes this world worse with each passing day.

And for mere mortals like you & I, who are not the Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela or Mother Teresa of this century,...who like their money, conveniences and comforts of life too much to give them all up...the question really is, "Can we make a difference? Can 1 person who is neither a Saint nor a Charistmatic Leader, make a difference?

I don't know. But I think we can try. And I think we should. doesnt matter what is our personal motivation...whether its getting tax benefits in this life or good karma in the next...if it makes some one's life a little better, a little easier..if it can make some one's future a little brighter..then its worth the attempt.

And after years of contemplating, and waiting for the right time to come, the right amount of disposable income to reach my bank account, the right cause to fall in my lap, the right NGO to come begging for donation on my door, the right catastrophe to strike the world..I decided to stop looking for excuses and put my inaction aside.

Mom taught me.."Smiles are free so give them away"
I have finally decided to start giving them, 1 day, 1 small deed at a time.

Because not all of us can become saints and change the world. But may be we can become good human beings. Or at least we can try.

And I think we should.

Ed. note: The start of my journey is thanks to WorldVision India, and their Sponsor-a-child program that has over 25000 sponsors for the India program itself, a highly credible global organisation with an immense reputation worldwide; and a hugely successful program globally. At 600 INR ($35) a month, you can literally change some one's life. For more details, visit: http://www.worldvision.in/ (India site) , http://www.worldvision.org/ (Global website)