I remember this from the engagement ceremony of one of my friends. now anyone familiar with the north indian hindu wedding system must know what havoc and chaos this 1event must have unleashed over the entire family.
For the less enlightened...the madness begins much before the actual event. The news itself sends tremors across the neighborhood and the family clan that would put an earthquake measuring 5.1 on Richter scale to shame. Suddenly you start meeting/ talking to "relatives" you never knew existed. Worse? the first question they ask you is your name...not your to-be-spouse's, your own! Well you see they only know you as so-and-so's son / daughter. Your and his salary is of the utmost importance and a bigger public figure than your local celebrity. Over the next few months everything from your future savings, to which school should you send your kids to etc etc etc are analysed by the entire clan in detail. 15 minutes into the news and you already wonder if getting your parents to agree to the match (in case of love marriages) or going through endless "bio-datas" and meeting endless potential matches was after all, the easy part. Another 5 minutes and you are sure nothing except eloping would have been better!!
Exasperating as it is, and a blatant reflection of complete lack of privacy as well...to just an onlooker, it can be amusing to the point of being hilarious... here's an example
Setting: Engagement function
Venue: The Bride's house
Hosts: The bride-to-be, her parents, her 2 sisters, their husbands, and 3 children, 2 cousins, 2 aunts with their husbands...minimum 20 people in all. And mind you this is not a "function".
Scene: 5:30, everyone waiting anxiously for the guests to arrive...
Expected time of arrival: 6:00 PM
Expected time of arrival: 6:00 PM
[and of course the entire conversation is a translation.. from hindi to english]
typical players in each setting
the inevitable just returned NRI who hates everything about India
the classic grandma, and her unfailing wisdom
the giggly younger sisters
the bride who is feeling f***** up with all the artificial make up and cursing her in-laws already
the tons of relatives, each willing to pitch in with their ideas for the couple's future
the poor anxious mother of the bride who hasn't had time to eat all day
the father who can't stop roaming outside the house thanks to his palpitations and ..well acidity :P
5:30
typical players in each setting
the inevitable just returned NRI who hates everything about India
the classic grandma, and her unfailing wisdom
the giggly younger sisters
the bride who is feeling f***** up with all the artificial make up and cursing her in-laws already
the tons of relatives, each willing to pitch in with their ideas for the couple's future
the poor anxious mother of the bride who hasn't had time to eat all day
the father who can't stop roaming outside the house thanks to his palpitations and ..well acidity :P
5:30
"I need some tea, i have a splitting headache"
"Wait for sometime, they will arrive in half an hour, we can all have tea together,"
"Yeah...uncleji meanwhile divert your attention you know..see my new DSLR..i got this st. from NY you see...fabulous uncleji I tell you..in India, this will cost at least twice, and then you don't even know if its the real thing you know.."
" arey Sonia ke daddy,you have the boy's ring with you right?"
"achcha waise where does the boy work? what must be his salary?"
"Yeah...uncleji meanwhile divert your attention you know..see my new DSLR..i got this st. from NY you see...fabulous uncleji I tell you..in India, this will cost at least twice, and then you don't even know if its the real thing you know.."
" arey Sonia ke daddy,you have the boy's ring with you right?"
"achcha waise where does the boy work? what must be his salary?"
6:15
"I think they are going to be late"
"Well yes did you really expect them to be on time? "
"ladke waale hain bhyee"
"you know auntyji this is what i hate about India..complete lack of punctuality..this would never happen anywhere abroad"
"haan, ji our Sonia also earns enoguh. I think together they will be able to buy at least a 2BHK in Faridabad at least, property is cheaper there, and within 5 years it will become like Dwarka...very expensive, I have a property dealer in mind, I will tell apni Simi,"
6:30
"May be they are lost"
"arey suno..just call them and see where they have reached"
[following a scramble takes place in which 5 phones come out in 5 seconds from 5 different directions, while the original addressee who was happily trying out the food in the kitchen comes out with a ]
"huh?????"
"arey..rehne do ji aap...jijaji you pls call and see where they are"
[ a pin drop silence, and a 2 min phone call ]
"i just did..they are somewhere here...they said they will reach in 10 min"
"arey sunoji...you come inside, roaming on the street will not help"
"Oh ji nahi ji, I am just taking a stroll, ate too much at lunch na so a little bit of acidity you see"
"haanji haanji bilkul, will be good if they buy a house before having kids you see, they are both young, they can wait 2-3 years for kids ji...settle down first, kya jaldi hai bachchon ki"
6:45
"hai-re, my headache will kill me"
"kya bade papa..[giggle giggle]....here the suspense is killing us, we haven't even seen our to-be jijaji yet...you are worried about your headache"
"oye hoye!! is this the way to talk to your elders? go make 1 cup tea"
"God knows where they are..."
"ladke waale hain bhyeee"
"waise Faridabad also had very good schools coming up you see. DPS also planning to open a branch there you see"
7:00
"didi why havent they come yet...hope nothing is wrong"
"arey nahi simi, dont worry i am sure they just started late only'
"ladke waale hain bhyee"
[muttering] "what the f*** is wrong with ashmit!!
[aloud] Let me give him a call"
"no no you leave it..are you mad!! you are the bride-to-be...what will the ladke-waale think?"
"but mamiji.."
"sonia!! no, you will not call them..."
[muttering again]"pfffff...F****"
[giggle giggle..] " see didi is getting so impatient to see jiju"
[at which the bride gives them a look...sigh...if only looks could kill]
7:15
the much awaited door bell finalyl rings
and everyone comes to order,
all aunties fix their sarees, all uncles get up simultaneously to greet the "ladke waale"
our dearly beloved NRI fixes his hair and gets his new "DSLR" ready
the 2 uncles finalising the next 10 years of the couple's lives get ready to bestow their unbeatable intelligence on the bridegroom
and of course, the inevitable ... giggle giggle giggle..
"madamji cablewaalaa" ,
"ye maraa cablewaalaa, what do you want at this time?"
"this month's bill madam"
[ this is the point, where an innocent onlooker like me has to rush outside and break in to splits laughing, but i dont need to...even in this anxiety, the Indian family has the good sense to laugh....dispelling some of the tension in the air ]
everyone except our annoyed bride, i.e. who is gettin more n more impatient. vowing to "teach" her groom a lesson the minute they get married!
7:30
"Mumma...can I please take off this one necklace, its killing me. And I can barely hold this saree, i am sure it weighs more than I do"
"Bete Sonia, why r u troubling your mother further. just wear it beta, it will be over soon"
[helpless n exasperated], " i'll kill ashmit"
"na beta dont talk like that, this is marriage it happens"
"ladke waale hain bhyee"
and so the drama continues, until the boy arrives with his family; only 3 hours late. the food has gone cold. there is of course no time for tea anymore. the bride's make up is all caky by now and the sisters' giggles have become subdued. but what to do...
"ladke waale hain bhyee" ;)
"ladke waale hain bhyee"
"you know auntyji this is what i hate about India..complete lack of punctuality..this would never happen anywhere abroad"
"haan, ji our Sonia also earns enoguh. I think together they will be able to buy at least a 2BHK in Faridabad at least, property is cheaper there, and within 5 years it will become like Dwarka...very expensive, I have a property dealer in mind, I will tell apni Simi,"
6:30
"May be they are lost"
"arey suno..just call them and see where they have reached"
[following a scramble takes place in which 5 phones come out in 5 seconds from 5 different directions, while the original addressee who was happily trying out the food in the kitchen comes out with a ]
"huh?????"
"arey..rehne do ji aap...jijaji you pls call and see where they are"
[ a pin drop silence, and a 2 min phone call ]
"i just did..they are somewhere here...they said they will reach in 10 min"
"arey sunoji...you come inside, roaming on the street will not help"
"Oh ji nahi ji, I am just taking a stroll, ate too much at lunch na so a little bit of acidity you see"
"haanji haanji bilkul, will be good if they buy a house before having kids you see, they are both young, they can wait 2-3 years for kids ji...settle down first, kya jaldi hai bachchon ki"
6:45
"hai-re, my headache will kill me"
"kya bade papa..[giggle giggle]....here the suspense is killing us, we haven't even seen our to-be jijaji yet...you are worried about your headache"
"oye hoye!! is this the way to talk to your elders? go make 1 cup tea"
"God knows where they are..."
"ladke waale hain bhyeee"
"waise Faridabad also had very good schools coming up you see. DPS also planning to open a branch there you see"
7:00
"didi why havent they come yet...hope nothing is wrong"
"arey nahi simi, dont worry i am sure they just started late only'
"ladke waale hain bhyee"
[muttering] "what the f*** is wrong with ashmit!!
[aloud] Let me give him a call"
"no no you leave it..are you mad!! you are the bride-to-be...what will the ladke-waale think?"
"but mamiji.."
"sonia!! no, you will not call them..."
[muttering again]"pfffff...F****"
[giggle giggle..] " see didi is getting so impatient to see jiju"
[at which the bride gives them a look...sigh...if only looks could kill]
7:15
the much awaited door bell finalyl rings
and everyone comes to order,
all aunties fix their sarees, all uncles get up simultaneously to greet the "ladke waale"
our dearly beloved NRI fixes his hair and gets his new "DSLR" ready
the 2 uncles finalising the next 10 years of the couple's lives get ready to bestow their unbeatable intelligence on the bridegroom
and of course, the inevitable ... giggle giggle giggle..
"madamji cablewaalaa" ,
"ye maraa cablewaalaa, what do you want at this time?"
"this month's bill madam"
[ this is the point, where an innocent onlooker like me has to rush outside and break in to splits laughing, but i dont need to...even in this anxiety, the Indian family has the good sense to laugh....dispelling some of the tension in the air ]
everyone except our annoyed bride, i.e. who is gettin more n more impatient. vowing to "teach" her groom a lesson the minute they get married!
7:30
"Mumma...can I please take off this one necklace, its killing me. And I can barely hold this saree, i am sure it weighs more than I do"
"Bete Sonia, why r u troubling your mother further. just wear it beta, it will be over soon"
[helpless n exasperated], " i'll kill ashmit"
"na beta dont talk like that, this is marriage it happens"
"ladke waale hain bhyee"
and so the drama continues, until the boy arrives with his family; only 3 hours late. the food has gone cold. there is of course no time for tea anymore. the bride's make up is all caky by now and the sisters' giggles have become subdued. but what to do...
"ladke waale hain bhyee" ;)
i hate three things about big fat indian weddings:
ReplyDelete1. (so far unknown) relatives trying to be super smart and too close to you, all on a sudden. on top of that, their only interest being your job and salary. and the moment you disclose that, they start comparing you with their X's Y's Z's daughter and/or son.
2. entire concept of "ladke waale hain bhyee"
3. the entire taam jhaam thats created for just one day/night. its sad to see hungry bride and groom stand on the stage shaking hands, smiling at the guests (who are by the way taking to their fills) and exchanging pleasantries even though they are not in a mood. and its like "riwaaj hai bhayee"
I am not Indian, but I thought this was the funniest thing ever. I laughed all the way through as I pictured the scene in my head.
ReplyDeleteI've read some of your other posts. I'm following.
another aspect of North indian wedding/ or engagement is when friends get lost on the way, and drive up and down on the roads of meerut :)
ReplyDeleteand have a ball of a time.. much more than in the wedding itself :P
hahaha...yeah man, that was fun!! one of the most fun evenings i have ever had! :)
ReplyDelete